SO SOON

I think of you constantly.

Each day that passes by that I dont get to talk to you or hear from you crawls slowly minute by excruciating minute.

I see your smile everywhere - on the glass window of the bus as I ride home at night, on the mirror as I greet myself every morning, on my shiny mug as I drink my mandatory coffee... Even on my laptop screen as I type this.

While stuck in traffic, I catch myself smiling for no apparent reason until I remember that I was recalling our past conversations.

Sometimes, I catch people glancing my way after i chuckle while talking to no one.

When I can't help it anymore, I sneak a peak at your profile just so I could stare openly at your face without your knowing about it.

As I try to go to sleep at night, I sometimes imagine your voice whispering "good night".

When I feel down, I would read your old messages and then I'd feel fine.

Eating reminds me of you because you always used to ask me about it.

When you call me, I'm automatically transported to Cloud 9. And when you don't - I lose my air and I sink slowly back to earth.

Friends tease me about my new "aura", though they don't know why or who caused it.

Colleagues tell me I'm not my usual workaholic self.

I miss you every second of every day.

I want to be where you are.

SH*T, I think I'm in love again

Where do we go from here?

I've known you for a while
And boy, I liked your style.
But the timing wasn't good for us
So we stayed friends as days passed.

Then I met someone brand new
And after some time, so did you.
We grew apart bit by bit
For our destinies didn't seem to fit.

I welcomed this new love with all my heart
And it seemed that we would never part.
But from time to time I thought about you
And I'd wish you were as happy, too.

Then one day my heart got broken -
I had no clue, it was all so sudden.
All my dreams and ideals fell apart
And lay crushed on the floor, as was my heart.

But it seemed there's this invisible line
That kept your heart connected to mine.
For you somehow knew that I was hurting,
Somehow you knew what I was feeling.

And as I tried to put my heart back together
You were there to lend me your shoulder.
As always you'd try to make me laugh...
It was as if the years didn't pass.

Slowly, as I built my life again,
I felt your presence there as more than a friend.
At one point, you simply told me,
That for years now, you've been free.

So now we're back to where we started
But is this all you really wanted?
We're friends, but sometimes I get this feeling
That there's more you just keep hiding.

How much longer can I wait?
I guess it would all be up to fate.
I'm happy enough spending time with you
Waiting - hoping - for my wish to come true...

Full Circle

When my relationship started to fall into pieces two years ago, I crumbled inside as well. Before that significant moment, I thought I had the ideal partner – someone who understood my fleeting moods, someone who I really loved and who loved me back, someone I could see myself growing old with.

In my mind, I had already settled down. I was committed – something I thought I never wanted to do when I was younger. But this plan was also not meant to be, though we were too blind to see that right away.

As we tried to fix things over the next few months, it seemed we were also slowly falling out of love along the way. We were just too stubborn to recognize what was happening. We were like two kids who kept playing in the park in the middle of a storm, hoping that the rain will go away if we ignore it. But it never did.

When we finally admitted there was nothing left to save anymore, we called it quits. It was a bitter pill to swallow. At least for me, it was. Aside from saying goodbye to the person who’s been closest to me for the past 4 years, I had to unlearn habits that I had unconsciously formed when we were together. And the worst part of all – we had to break-up with the other’s family as well. There were a lot of broken hearts that year, not just ours.

But I guess it’s true that time heals wounds. After six months of zero communication. I was surprised and pleased that he got in touch with me to greet me a happy birthday.

That broke the ice. From there, we updated each other about the goings on in our lives – where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, new things we’ve learned, things we wanted to do. It was nice and it was fun reminiscing.

At some point, I asked him how he was and was he doing better now. He honestly answered that in some ways, yes his life was better than when we were together.

And I think that’s true. From what he’s told me, it seems he enjoys his new job and is doing great in his new company whereas when we were together, he used to change jobs every 5 months or so and complained about everything and everybody in his workplace.

He also has a lot of future plans for himself that he didn't consider doing before – like diving, studying midwifery (yes, he’s serious about it :D ), hiking, trekking, and a lot of other outdoorsy stuff.

As for me, there have been a lot of positive changes as well – I resuscitated my dying social life, made new friends, developed closer relationships with old friends and acquaintances, saw a lot of new places and cultures, and opened myself up to new opportunities and possibilities.

I also got to take care of myself as I had a lot of spare time again. I was able to get back to my work-outs, go to the spa, watch movies, go on trips alone. I feel better and I look better (ehem ehem :D ) than when we were together. Friends tell me I even look younger now than 2 years ago because I looked to old and worn out with my problems then.

So it seems that we made the right decision in breaking-up. When we were together, we were pulling each other down without meaning to and without even realizing what we’re doing.

And now we’re back to being friends. It’s a great feeling and a nice birthday gift to me. My biggest regret when we broke-up was that I felt like I had lost my best friend. I’m happy to know that that’s not the case.

We went through so much in our 4 years together that we were able to create a bond strong enough to survive a failed romance. Though we’re not in love with each other anymore, we still love and respect the other as a person who’s made a mark in our lives.

I’ll never forget what he said to me the night before my birthday : “No matter what happened in our relationship, you are still the best friend I have ever had”.

Of Fairy Tales and Princes

I had a typical childhood, I guess. I had dolls to play with, had the neighbors' kids as friends, older cousins who picked on me, and aunts/uncles who doted on me. I also grew up to stories of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, and the Little Mermaid.

What’s wrong with these stories? They tell us of a physically, mentally, and/or emotionally weak and fragile girl (and I mean girl, not woman) who needs to be rescued by a strong, rich, and handsome prince (and it’s ALWAYS a prince! Or in rare instances, a knight in shining armor) for them to live happily ever after.

And then there are stories like “Frog Prince”, which basically tells us that if we put up with enough crap from a guy, he will eventually become everything we want him to be, a.k.a our prince.

So we grow up either dreaming of a strong prince or a shining knight to eventually find us, save us from our troubles, and support us for the rest of our lives, OR we start picking up and kissing frogs left and right, all the while expecting them to turn into princes.

But if we want to be happy, we need a paradigm shift. Fairy tales are just that – fictional stories told to kids who don't want to go to sleep. In the real world, there is no perfect prince, we are not sheltered princesses, and we do not always end up with the person we want to be with.

Remember that :

1. We don't need to be rescued. We are strong women capable of defending ourselves, if needed.

2. We are or can be self-sufficient. A lot has changed since the days of fairy tales and a lot of women are capable of managing successful careers, companies, and even countries.

3. A frog is a frog is a frog – he will never turn into a prince. The sooner we realize and accept that, the sooner we can grab at our chance at happiness.

4. Waiting is useless and self-defeating. We can and must create our own happy endings.

5. We do not want to be placed on a pedestal to be looked up to, nor do we want to be treated like a child incapable of thinking for herself. We are looking for partners – equals who will watch our backs as we go through our daily battles, just as we will watch theirs.

New Mantra

You are what you think. You feel what you want.

Tomorrow would be my 29th birthday.

Compared to past years, I'm feeling a bit of pressure this year. Maybe it's because it's my last year in my 20's and i'll be joining a new batch next year. Maybe it's because this is the first birthday in several years that I'll be spending without someone special to celebrate it with. Maybe because I just feel a lot older.

This had been building up in me since the start of the new year. There's this urge inside me to make this birthday extra special, make it significant, make it COUNT. I want this birthday to be something I would fondly think of years later, when I'm so old and gray I dont even remember my age.

I made a lot of plans early in the year - things I wanted to get done this year, things I wanted to learn, places I wanted to see. And I think that's great, because those are things that I know would make me happy for a time.

Still, those are just temporary solutions. What I need is really a paradigm shift.

It's something I've been trying to do for a while, without success. I hope that, through repetition, I would soon be able to develop a more positive attitude.

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Why Think Positively?

All of our feelings, beliefs and knowledge are based on our internal thoughts, both conscious and subconscious.

We are in control, whether we know it or not.

Aim high and do your best We can be positive or negative, enthusiastic or dull, active or passive. The biggest difference between people is their attitudes.

For some, learning is enjoyable and exciting. For others, learning is a drudgery. For many, learning is just okay, something required on the road to a job.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Abraham Lincoln

Our present attitudes are habits, built from the feedback of parents, friends, society and self, that form our self-image and our world-image.

These attitudes are maintained by the inner conversations we constantly have with ourselves, both consciously and subconsciously.

The first step in changing our attitudes is to change our inner conversations.

What Should We Be Saying?

One approach is called the three C's: Commitment, Control and Challenge.

Commitment

Make a positive commitment to yourself, to learning, work, family, friends, nature, and other worthwhile causes. Praise yourself and others. Dream of success. Be enthusiastic.

Control

Keep your mind focused on important things. Set goals and priorities for what you think and do. Visualize to practice your actions. Develop a strategy for dealing with problems. Learn to relax. Enjoy successes. Be honest with yourself.

Challenge

Be courageous. Change and improve each day. Do your best and don't look back. See learning and change as opportunities. Try new things. Consider several options. Meet new people. Ask lots of questions. Keep track of your mental and physical health. Be optimistic. Studies show that people with these characteristics are winners in good times and survivors in hard times.

Research shows that, "... people who begin consciously to modify their inner conversations and assumptions report an almost immediate improvement in their performance. Their energy increases and things seem to go better ..."

Commitment, control and challenge help build self-esteem and promote positive thinking.

- Donald Martin, 1991 **********************************************************************

Happy Birthday to me :)