Look beyond the smiles and laughter

I read somewhere that sometimes the happiest people you meet are the saddest people you will ever know.

I have found that to be true.

You look at someone and you think, 'he's so happy,' but there's so much behind his little smile that you will never know.

People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be. But sometimes, some things are too dark to simply "get over" from that the only thing left to do is cope in the best way you know how - cover it up with a smile and a laugh.

Sometimes we get so caught up in wearing masks that we forget which one really belongs to us. We try to look happy so that people will think we are, and that will make us think we are. But when we're alone and we look in the mirror, the saddest, loneliest face stares right back.

It pains me to see someone be as sad as this. But I can't do anything about it since he refuses to ask for or accept help.

I can only hope and pray that he will find his happiness, enlightenment, and contentment someday.

This is for you, my friend...

THE LONELIEST PERSON I KNOW by Splender

You wanna feel you're never walking
You see your feet from off the ground
And when you leave there's no one talking
You slowly breathe and look around

I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a flag in the wind that won't blow
Just a tear rolling down the window

You cut your lip and now you're freaking
Another friend becomes a foe
You try to leave but they offer candy
Another time you won't say no

Well, I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a flag in the wind that won't blow
Just a tear rolling down the window

You see that I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a blade in the grass that won't grow
Just a hand holding on to let go

Time is a train...
Time is a train...
Leading you nowhere...
Leading you nowhere

Time is a train
I feel the same
Leading you nowhere
Leading you nowhere yeah

A second page you reach a chapter
You're on the phone but no one's there
Another thing you can't keep after
Another time you're left alone

I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a flag in the wind that won't blow
Just a tear rolling down the window

You see that I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a blade in the grass that won't grow
Just a hand holding on to let go

You see that I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a fly living in the back row
Just a slap in the face that won't show yeah

And I can do nothing about it
And I can do nothing about it

He's Just Not That Into You

I watched this movie over the weekend, upon the recommendation of a friend who's growing tired of my wailing about unrequited love... haha.

It was a good recommendation, though, since a lot of the scenes and lines in the movie appealed to me .

* Waiting beside the phone for hours (or days?) for his call, with emotions starting from expecting, to hopeful,to panicky, to desperate, then to irritation - CHECK

* Agonizing over his every move and word and wondering if there's more meaning behind it than appears on the surface - CHECK

* Going over every minute detail of the date and wondering if you've done something wrong which has caused him to NOT call you - CHECK

* Telling and re-telling the story to your close girlfriends, hoping they'll give you encouragement which will enable you to wait for a little bit more - CHECK

* Finally going crazy over his silence that you eventually contact him yourself - CHECK

Haha. Oh well.

I wish I had a friend like Alex in the story, who was patient enough to explain what's behind a guy's words and actions, who will help me understand.

There was something he said that really struck me :

If a guys wants to see you, he will make it happen, no matter what. If he didnt call, that means he doesn't want to talk to you. It's that simple.

Great.

SO SOON

I think of you constantly.

Each day that passes by that I dont get to talk to you or hear from you crawls slowly minute by excruciating minute.

I see your smile everywhere - on the glass window of the bus as I ride home at night, on the mirror as I greet myself every morning, on my shiny mug as I drink my mandatory coffee... Even on my laptop screen as I type this.

While stuck in traffic, I catch myself smiling for no apparent reason until I remember that I was recalling our past conversations.

Sometimes, I catch people glancing my way after i chuckle while talking to no one.

When I can't help it anymore, I sneak a peak at your profile just so I could stare openly at your face without your knowing about it.

As I try to go to sleep at night, I sometimes imagine your voice whispering "good night".

When I feel down, I would read your old messages and then I'd feel fine.

Eating reminds me of you because you always used to ask me about it.

When you call me, I'm automatically transported to Cloud 9. And when you don't - I lose my air and I sink slowly back to earth.

Friends tease me about my new "aura", though they don't know why or who caused it.

Colleagues tell me I'm not my usual workaholic self.

I miss you every second of every day.

I want to be where you are.

SH*T, I think I'm in love again

Where do we go from here?

I've known you for a while
And boy, I liked your style.
But the timing wasn't good for us
So we stayed friends as days passed.

Then I met someone brand new
And after some time, so did you.
We grew apart bit by bit
For our destinies didn't seem to fit.

I welcomed this new love with all my heart
And it seemed that we would never part.
But from time to time I thought about you
And I'd wish you were as happy, too.

Then one day my heart got broken -
I had no clue, it was all so sudden.
All my dreams and ideals fell apart
And lay crushed on the floor, as was my heart.

But it seemed there's this invisible line
That kept your heart connected to mine.
For you somehow knew that I was hurting,
Somehow you knew what I was feeling.

And as I tried to put my heart back together
You were there to lend me your shoulder.
As always you'd try to make me laugh...
It was as if the years didn't pass.

Slowly, as I built my life again,
I felt your presence there as more than a friend.
At one point, you simply told me,
That for years now, you've been free.

So now we're back to where we started
But is this all you really wanted?
We're friends, but sometimes I get this feeling
That there's more you just keep hiding.

How much longer can I wait?
I guess it would all be up to fate.
I'm happy enough spending time with you
Waiting - hoping - for my wish to come true...

Full Circle

When my relationship started to fall into pieces two years ago, I crumbled inside as well. Before that significant moment, I thought I had the ideal partner – someone who understood my fleeting moods, someone who I really loved and who loved me back, someone I could see myself growing old with.

In my mind, I had already settled down. I was committed – something I thought I never wanted to do when I was younger. But this plan was also not meant to be, though we were too blind to see that right away.

As we tried to fix things over the next few months, it seemed we were also slowly falling out of love along the way. We were just too stubborn to recognize what was happening. We were like two kids who kept playing in the park in the middle of a storm, hoping that the rain will go away if we ignore it. But it never did.

When we finally admitted there was nothing left to save anymore, we called it quits. It was a bitter pill to swallow. At least for me, it was. Aside from saying goodbye to the person who’s been closest to me for the past 4 years, I had to unlearn habits that I had unconsciously formed when we were together. And the worst part of all – we had to break-up with the other’s family as well. There were a lot of broken hearts that year, not just ours.

But I guess it’s true that time heals wounds. After six months of zero communication. I was surprised and pleased that he got in touch with me to greet me a happy birthday.

That broke the ice. From there, we updated each other about the goings on in our lives – where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, new things we’ve learned, things we wanted to do. It was nice and it was fun reminiscing.

At some point, I asked him how he was and was he doing better now. He honestly answered that in some ways, yes his life was better than when we were together.

And I think that’s true. From what he’s told me, it seems he enjoys his new job and is doing great in his new company whereas when we were together, he used to change jobs every 5 months or so and complained about everything and everybody in his workplace.

He also has a lot of future plans for himself that he didn't consider doing before – like diving, studying midwifery (yes, he’s serious about it :D ), hiking, trekking, and a lot of other outdoorsy stuff.

As for me, there have been a lot of positive changes as well – I resuscitated my dying social life, made new friends, developed closer relationships with old friends and acquaintances, saw a lot of new places and cultures, and opened myself up to new opportunities and possibilities.

I also got to take care of myself as I had a lot of spare time again. I was able to get back to my work-outs, go to the spa, watch movies, go on trips alone. I feel better and I look better (ehem ehem :D ) than when we were together. Friends tell me I even look younger now than 2 years ago because I looked to old and worn out with my problems then.

So it seems that we made the right decision in breaking-up. When we were together, we were pulling each other down without meaning to and without even realizing what we’re doing.

And now we’re back to being friends. It’s a great feeling and a nice birthday gift to me. My biggest regret when we broke-up was that I felt like I had lost my best friend. I’m happy to know that that’s not the case.

We went through so much in our 4 years together that we were able to create a bond strong enough to survive a failed romance. Though we’re not in love with each other anymore, we still love and respect the other as a person who’s made a mark in our lives.

I’ll never forget what he said to me the night before my birthday : “No matter what happened in our relationship, you are still the best friend I have ever had”.